7am Turn PC on.
- wipe the toothpaste and/or cereal smears off the screen.
- Turn keyboard upside down and remove as much of the liquid as possible
- Locate and reattach tab and spacebar key.
a. Are bored
b. Are hungry
c. have done a poo
d. have tipped an entire bottle of water on the couch
e. have put their toothbrushes down the toilet
Deal with all of the above whilst replying to emails, packing customer orders and answering the telephone - all at the same time. For added authenticity carry a sack of potatos or small feral dog in one arm throughout the day.
6pm Wave to the nice man cooking dinner in cafeteria. Thank him for the meal.
7pm to 8 pm Break up fights, console and get to sleep two of your junior colleagues.
8pm to 10pm Reacquaint yourself with cafeteria man, who you recall having slept with on occasion.
10pm-1am Start work. Attempt to fit 8+ hours work into 3, turn PC off. Realize you don’t have to change into your PJ’s because they are still on from the day before - BONUS.
1am Sleep at your desk – that’s right you now live at work
• There are no days off; a weekend is for people with real jobs
• There is no sick leave; if you or your child are sick please replace “cereal/toothpaste smears” in Point 1 with “vomit and snot”
• Pay rises are only applicable if you are paid something to start with
• You can technically fire yourself but you must be fully reinstated in under an hour