Thursday, August 26, 2010

Sex every day for a month: the wrap-up

In preparation for my final blog update on the challenge here's a wrap-up of how we did!

1 May 2010

There was an article last week in the UK Daily Mail about a couple who after 12 years together, attempted to make love every day for 30 days.  Now this isn't a new concept.  In 2008 a Florida Preacher gave his congregation the same task and a book The 30 Day Sex Challenge was the result.

When Mr Belly Beyond forwarded me through the link to the UK article, I couldn't help but think he was ever the optimist.  But it got me thinking.  We've just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and have two children under five.  This coupled with my workaholic tendencies means time for him and I is rare these days.

So we've decided to give it a a try.  We are realistic - I work upwards of 80 hours a week - a lot of that is clocked up at the weekend when he is home so that someone has an eye on the kids, and late into the night when the children are in bed.  The English couple in the article didn't quite make the full tally and they didn't have the challenges and time constraints that come with parenting two energetic, curious and very early waking pre-schoolers!

I am going to track our progress on the blog.  It's not going to be a sex dairy, this is a family show after all, so details will be deliberately kept to a minimum.  I will focus instead on the changes we find in our relationship.


Decision made.  Our self imposed rule for this challenge is that it's counted if one of us has an orgasm.  Mission accomplished x 2 then.  

I found myself thinking about sex as I had a shower this morning.  No, not like that - just working out how we are going to fit it in today and wondering whereabouts and when it would happen.  It might sound rather unromantic to have to schedule in sex appointments but it was quite the opposite and yes, definitely appealed to my list-writing nature.

In the end we sneak away while the kids are watching a DVD.

4 May


First "work" day where the real world demands really start to encroach on our best intentions.  It's freezing cold so we stay in the dining room where the heater is, once the kids are in bed.

Mr Belly Beyond surprises me by coming home from the gym instead of going straight to work.  He brings coffee and is duly rewarded although I'm really more focused on the day ahead - whose idea was this again?

5 May

There is no doubt that there is a spring in Mr Belly Beyond's step - men are such simple creatures when it comes down to it aren't they?

We've talked a lot about sex in the last 5 days and in particular the reasons why we don't get together as much as we'd like.  Identifying and sharing those factors has obvious positive benefits and is something we should have done a long time ago.  Mr BB says that he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders because he doesn't spend his day mentally planning his "approach" to me, wondering if he'll get lucky tonight - he knows that it's highly likely!  This doesn't mean he just turns up and  expects to be attended to - he has started coming home in the mornings from the gym instead of going straight to work.  He brings me a coffee, makes the kids lunches and gets them sorted for day thereby completely removing my morning stresses.


We watch the season premier of Underbelly, always a compulsive watch with a racy undertone  and head to bed together.  Fireworks result.

10 May

During this challenge we haven't changed anything else about our relationship except that we are trying to have sex once a day for 30 days.  It's definitely having an effect on us since we began 10 days ago: 
  • We haven't argued since the challenge began.  Not once.  
  • We are definitely more tactile and intimate. 
  • Heidi said at the weekend that she has noticed that I'm not as stressed as I normally am. 
  • Mr Belly Beyond has been overheard as saying he reckons it's brought back feelings of  when we first fell in love.
Mr BB is heading off for work overnight.  He comes home to change for the trip and we have a quicky before I have to pick up the kids from kindy.   Two positions not seen since before the kids were born slip back into our repertoire.

I'm absolutely shattered after a very long day.  Master 2 up at 5.15am, full day meetings and a lot of set up work for the site.  Mr BB gives me a back rub and we make love before drifting off to sleep.

Night time, when the kids are in bed, is usually my most productive work time and it's not unusual for me to work past midnight.  9.30pm comes around, Mr BB is already in bed, and my preference is to join him so I surprise myself by closing my laptop lid and heading to bed too.

Well it's not as if you can just turn a switch and instantly have matching sex drives.  Mr BB is in the mood but I'm pretty tired again and a nice hot cup of tea would be my preference tonight.  But I'm never one to just give up on a goal and I enjoy the closeness and get another wicked backrub.  

We have talked about what might happen at the end of the 30 day challenge and both laugh that a day 30 blog consisting of , "I'm pregnant", definitely isn't in the plans!! 

16 May

So we are half way there.   Mr BB has lost 4 kg and I seem to have gained weight - how does that work???

A late email that needs my attention means I'm distracted for 45 minutes after saying I'd be right to bed which results in a small disagreement.  I make the point that I will need to work late over the coming weeks as the schedule is so full-on and we might have  to look options on getting together that aren't last thing at night.  We manage to work it out and Mr BB will be coming home from the gym to shower rather than shower there and go straight to work.  At least it gives us another option (and I get coffee in the mornings!!)

Mr BB back from the gym and we meet up in the shower.  Sounds ideal and all rather sexy but our acrobatic days are over it seems as it's impossible to get comfortable (one ear out for the kids doesn't help).  We sneak out to the bedroom and try again although by this time the mood is somewhat lost and I have instructions not to look at Mr BB so he can concentrate.  It could have been a sour moment but it was actually really funny.

Missed the opportunity this morning but it's Underbelly night so all things point to a good outcome.  It actually feels like we haven't done it for a while - it has been over 24 hours after all! 

Well the honeymoon is over.  It seems no amount of sex and intimacy makes up for respect for each others feelings.  Mr BB comes home in a grump and it's not in my nature to be quiet when snapped at.  Fireworks result and not of a good kind.  Lucky we did it this morning as there is no way even make up sex in on the cards tonight.  Woof.

I'm still smarting from our disagreement but feel rather better when Mr BB turns up with flowers.  He smiles sheepishly and says "they're not from me".   It breaks the tension anyway and 5 minutes before Miss 4 is due to be picked up for kindy we get it together for make up sex.  Wham, bam, thank-you ma'am and smiles all round.

I'm away with Heidi overnight at a conference and get back around dinner time.  After the drive and the adrenalin of the day's speaking engagement I'm in bed early - asleep.

So we are 14/15 - not bad for a couple of boring married folk!
23 May

Another week down and now only 7 days to go in our 30 day challenge.

A couple of queries have come up about the challenge that I thought I'd clarify.
  • Although I don't talk about doing 'it' in every days update, the chillis indicate how hot the event that day was.  So if there are chillis on an update then we met the target for the day.  The X means its a big zero in the love shack that day.
  • What happens when you have your period?  Well, I have a Mirena, which means I don't get a period (yay for me!)
A huge workload to meet a looming deadline meant I was a zombie most of this week.  Both kids had colds so were we also having (more than usual) broken nights.  All of these things pointed to our 30 day challenge falling apart and when on days 18 and 20 we missed getting together, there was a definite whiff of defeat in the air.  But in the modern way, I emailed Mr Belly Beyond and he replied:

I understand that it's just the way of things particularly this week but you’ll have noticed that this hasn’t changed my approach. I’m still coming home to help with the kids and still staying up later to be with you (and give us a chance if one presents itself).  That in itself is actually reflective of the good that has come out of the challenge for me, that I want to be where you are.

So it's all good in the hood and we are full steam ahead.

DAY 16
It's the day of our Cake Lingerie Real NZ Mums shoot so I abandon the kids to Mr Belly Beyond and take off for the studio with Heidi at 6.15am. I'm home early in the afternoon and get to spend the rest of the day relaxing and reconnecting with the family.  It's nice to catch up after the kids are in bed and then go to bed together and get back on the horse, so to speak. ;)

DAY 17
I take the laptop to bed.  I have the decency to stop looking at it but this deadline is my total focus at the moment and I'll admit it's a "lie back and think of England" moment.  Possibly the first time this challenge that I really would rather be doing something else.  Can't imagine it would have been the bees knees for Mr BB either.

DAY 18
X Oops it's another late one burning the midnight oil and another miss for us.  I am getting the kids cold and we agree to take a pass.

DAY 19
For those that have been following this challenge you'll know that Underbelly night is like the third Thursday of the month used to be.  Guaranteed good times.

DAY 20
XGroundhog day.  A replay of Day 18 except this time Mr Belly Beyond isn't quite so understanding.  He doesn't say anything of course but I can feel that he is worried the wheels are well and truely falling off.

DAY 21
An email exchange confirms we are both still invested in the challenge.  The positive change in our relationship is undeniable and I'm excited that it's the weekend and the opportunity for us to sneak some proper time together.  It's a fraught afternoon with technical issues and a stupid mistake from me almost causing a complete fail of our deadline.  Mr BB brings home takeaways and the laptop gets turned off for the night! 

DAY 22
Kids get an early morning DVD and we retreat back to bed to prove there is definitely still something to the claim quality not quantity!

So what does Jane Public think of this idea?

I did a status update this week on our Facebook page this week.

"Relationship Challenge: sex every day for 30 days. Have you? could you? would you?"

It was surprising in that there was little middle ground.  The majority response was "absolutely no way" and "before kids yes, but now too tired" but there were a few responses along the lines of "are you kidding?  this is us normally". 

Of the Dads that answered, they were super keen to do something like this - funny that. 

1 comment:

Birth Stories said...

Good on you!! I'm so impressed. And funny, I just remembered last week that 12 years ago I read a "30 days of sex" article in a Cosmo mag and was thinking I should give it a go. So... reading your post must be more than just coincidence, I'm inspired! My husband will be thrilled... :)


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