Thursday, September 2, 2010

Funniest birthday request

September 1968, what a month, what a year.

Martin Luther King Jr and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated, the USSR invaded Czechoslovakia precipitating the cold war. Andy Warhol was shot by a feminist and Apollo 8 witnessed the dark side of the moon for the first time.

Nine months earlier, much closer to home and no less auspicious, an event would occur that would alter the course of history, bringing both joy and consternation to those involved, rippling out into the world like a small but powerful tsunami.

Dad knocked mum up.

This started an unstoppable sequence of events that would be discussed by learned men with beards till this day. World leaders were pressed for comment and continually responded with "we are unaware of this" and "never heard of him", causing others to speculate that a cover up was in play. There were even reports from a small village just outside of Dorset, that a small donkey called Alan would do interpretive dance to bossanova music, foretelling of what was to come. Today, none of this can be confirmed as all records have simply vanished. All we know for certain is that on September 23rd Antony Garfield Redmond the third, seed of his father's loin, entered the world.

Not much is known of his early years, although he was understood to sleep in garages and was once offered lodging in a caravan with a licentious name, to which he wisely declined.

The search for records of his past have ended in disappointment...until now

Recently discovered scrolls, thousands of years old foretold of an event that would occur in his 42nd year.

"For is it not written that he doth needeth an I-pad with 32 gigabytes and WiFi to sootheth his eyes and hold at bay the technology demon that dwelleth within. Yay verily, though he be bestowed with looks, charm, intelligence and a vast wealth that provideth entry to the thousandairs club, he doth needeth assistance.” it continues “Oh what fate will befallest those who shun the opportunity to help, particularly those going overseas, verily, willest your generosity not assuage your guilty conscience?”

Wise men poured over the documents trying to discern its meaning. Years past before one of the beards noticed pictures of a dancing donkey along the base of the scrolls. “Alan!' they proclaimed. It was a coded message.

NASA were immediately contacted and through the use of their super computer, the code was cracked and the message can now be known.

At 42 I decided to get me an I-Pad.

It's black and its shiny and shall be the best present I had

No sum is too small

no amount is too large

All gifts will simply defray the full charge

So throw in your dollars and make this handsome young man's heart glad

...or you could give me socks...

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